I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
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Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
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I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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