he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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