There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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