I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
