too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
