fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
