Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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