so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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