Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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