walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Randomize
