rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
