He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
