the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
