I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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