Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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