you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
These tits shall not be calmed
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
