Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
