I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
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