The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
did i walk over a car last night?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
