my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
