Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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