Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
