DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
