someone owes me an orgasm
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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