he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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