Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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