why do cheetos always look like penises
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
