you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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