the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
