from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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