You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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