Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
