i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
