I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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