i need an iv and a liver transplant
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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