i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
