we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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