she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
So much Jack, so little girl.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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