I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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