im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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