I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Randomize
