Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
