I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
