i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Randomize
