My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
