New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
