Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
