Moan for me like Helen Keller
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
