The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.