I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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