Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize