You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
