the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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