Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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