I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
