hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
