you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
